Integration: I Raped My Wife

Accountability

This is a heavy one so I will preface with a premise. The first step of a successful Metatron Awakening is accountability. By becoming accountable you remove the biggest allow your soul and personality to become one again, by re-integrating your ego back into your self. Some well-known military personnel call their version of this idea Extreme Ownership.Your entire life as you know it you have sent your ego out as the sacrificial lamb to keep the rest of you safe. First of all, you are safe. You are not in mortal danger. Second, this had a terrible side effect. You fractured yourself into two separate parts and convinced yourself it was better to lie and hide than it was to be accountability. Without accountability, you have literally nothing. Accountability represents all your ability to find: compassion, connection, vulnerability, love, and freedom.

Accountability takes guilt and turns it into vulnerability. Up until now, you have likely responded to guilt the same way I used to:

• Deny, deny, deny.
• Never admit when you are wrong.
• Never be seen in wrongdoing. Avoid those conversations at all costs.
• Pretend to be better than you are.
• If there is no escape from accountability, then pretend you forgot.
• Whatever is asked of you, project back onto the other party.
• Always be the aggressor and keep them on their heels.

We all have our own tactics, but most of them are built for the same purpose. The issue here is that there is no integration. Without owning our shit, we have no self-control. Without self-control, we have no trust in ourself. Without trusting ourselves we have no true self-love. Without loving ourselves we will never be able to truly love others. We will express what love we can, sure, but our children and others we express our version of love toward will simply recycle their version of the victim complex we are projecting onto them, and none of us will ascend it.

Learning to Love Myself

After a years-long journey to find accountability, under my Wife’s patient tutelage, I am starting to find the self-love I have been missing since I separated my ego from myself. When I met my soulmate I attempted to fill my own cup by taking from her, almost exclusively. I had never learned to masturbate or attempted to masturbate. The only time I took for myself was mainly to exercise and further inflate my muscles, therefore image, therefore ego, which meant that my me-time was extremely counterproductive.

I felt that She was my soulmate, and our sex life was extremely meaningful to me. But since I did not know how to love myself, I did not know how to truly be grateful for the open and loving way She was sharing herself with me. For her, it felt like I was insatiable. I projected my inner lack onto her. At the same time She was learning about all my inner-demons to lie, hide, project, argue, blame, belittle, and constantly cut myself into parts. She needed healthy boundaries to keep herself safe from my onslaught. It was not easy.

A Marriage License is not a License to Rape

I am still very young in my journey to find what truly constitutes a healthy sexual relationship. Metatron has meddled with the power of sex on Earth. Women were never designed to be objects of desire and sources for sexual gratification in men. Metatron is the purveyor of sexual slavery. He led the collective that built the moon as a shadow satellite outpost for seeding sexual confusion on the earth. That is why sex is so closely associated with night time, when the moon rules the sky. Sexual crimes have gone without consequence much longer by their being done in secret and at night. That is also why the moon is closely associated with witchcraft, mysticism, and other arts we have come to connect to women. Essentially what this means energetically today is that if a man wants sex, all he needs to do it be with a woman at night. Let that soak in and you will see how sad and true that idea really feels.

That same premise sits at the foundation of sexual relationships in marriage. Spouses sleep in the same bed, so sex is always on the table. When I was first married, someone I trusted told me, “They don’t have to say yes, but they do have to come back to you with a counter-offer within 24 hours. That is how sex works.” Sexual energy has become polluted to the point that it is difficult to decipher the true laws surrounding intimacy.

Consent is not Good Enough

My Wife was raised in a household where she and her sisters were taught it was their duty to have sex with their husbands. If they did not “put out,” they were giving their husbands cause to develop problems with pornography or to consider cheating on them. So on the one hand, she felt an obligation to have sex with me. On the other, she felt taken for granted and mistreated. She would push herself and try to convince herself, oftentimes out loud vocally with me egging her on. This is NOT truly consensual sex. Every time I knew she had to push herself or try to convince herself to go through with it, I committed some degree of rape.

She was with me on a work trip early in our relationship while working through this very conundrum. The sexual slavery she was raised in was so extreme that after she once had sex with a boyfriend, her loved ones told her she now had to marry him. Similar to marriage for a child when two unwed lovers become pregnant, this was coercion and not real love. She had been encouraged to react from a place of fear and duty rather than accountability and honesty.

Now she was in a similar situation with me. Back then it was I decided to have sex with you, so now we must be married. Now the situation was different but the Metatronically-reversed energy was still the same. Now it was I decided to marry you, so now I must have sex with you. As she and I talked through this she blurted out, “If I don’t want to do it then I am not going to do it!” By claiming Her sexual sovereignty that day, She took back many of the pieces of her soul that had been stolen. I wish I could say all that I felt was gratitude for her taking her power back. But I am ashamed to say that part of me felt disappointed, like I would still prefer she convince herself to be sexual even if she doesn’t feel like it. After all, all I need is her consent, even if it is hard to get. This was an ends-justify-the-means type of argument. If by the end she liked it (which of course, I thought, she would), then it was worth her convincing herself. That was a cowardly argument and beside the point.

The point was simple. She is God, Sovereign, and Free. She has no duty to me. As life partners we promise to always serve each other’s highest good. To stand next to each other as a support and safety net. Not to steal from each other.

Consensus is not an appropriate word to describe the agreement between two people before they engage in the ultimate human experience. Words like consent have cheapened and destroyed the sanctity and power of sex. Consent the way we use it today is more of a word that describes the result of political negotiations. When opposing parties attempt to come to terms on an issue of dispute, whatever terms they do reach is called a consensus. Even if one party is diametrically opposed to the other, negotiations will often end with some sort of consensus. If the parties do not reach an agreement, and again this is another term primarily adopted by the legal system, they end where they started in a place of dissent. Also when multiple judges rule on an issue, there may be consenting opinions which primarily reach the same conclusions and there may be a dissenting opinion which retains all its counterpoints and is not swayed. Consent is a very confusing concept.

There is another word that is far better. This word first came into my life from an otherworldly being whose society had empowered women to retain their sexual sovereignty. This word is also often used in sacred plant medicine rituals to describe the initiate welcoming the medicine into his/her/their soul for the ritual experience. Unlike consent, it cannot be negotiated. Also unlike consent, it does not have a counter-term, thus implying that it is far more absolute and definitive. That word is permission.

Seno Ecto Gamat

Early in the 1997 Luc Besson film The Fifth Element, Bruce Willis’ character sneakily kisses Milla Jovovich while she is asleep. She leaps to her feet, pulls out her blaster, and aims it at his face as she states firmly, “seno ecto gamat!” This means “never without my permission.” Permission is a better word than consent. Consent is something men have learned to weasel and negotiate out of women, little by little, drink by drink. Permission is something stronger. To get a woman’s permission means you ask for exactly what you are wanting, and give her just as much love and respect if she says “no” as you do if she says “yes.” You hold the space within yourself to want what you want, and be perfectly content with others’ responses to your wants. You embrace the vulnerability to share your thoughts and feelings openly. You do not take without asking. If you go too far, you immediately take accountability and find forgiveness.

I do not hug my Wife without her permission. I am learning to respect her boundaries and to fill my own cup. All those who will participate in the Metatronic Awakening are invited to find their version of this and to do the same. If you will be Metatron, then vulnerably ask for any physical and sexual contact, and proceed only when full permission is given and a next step is requested of you. Do not relentlessly pursue your ounces of coerced consent any longer.

Masturbate in Vulnerability

The conservative Christian culture I grew up in taught me very little of sexual laws, roles, or permissions. What I was taught came down to three statements:

• Never masturbate: masturbation is evil.
• Never have sex outside of marriage, this is one of the worst sins.
• When you are married you will have sex, that is what a wife and husband do.

These false laws started my path to become a sexual leech. I grew up terrified of my sexual identity, confused about puberty, and embarrassed of boners. I never masturbated because it was evil. I never explored any intimacy with girls until I was 21 and considering marriage, because it was also evil. And then when I did get married (the first time, my twinflame Wife I speak of is my second marriage), this wifely duty created a sexpectation neither of us knew what to do with. I believed it was better to rape my wife than to masturbate. This energy is pervasive in the world. I used to watch a movie like The Sound of Freedom or educate myself on how to recognize sex trafficking. Now I see that I am also a purveyor of sexual slavery.

The truth is that, in order for a man to achieve a sovereign sexual identity, it is of utmost importance that you learn to expiate from yourself all this old Metatronic energy that you can simply convince women to have sex with you. That is one of the most harmful energies in our universe today. If every man were to wake up and say, “I will vulnerably ask permission for any and all physical and sexual contact with any and all women I am interested in, and honorably uphold those boundaries,” there is no limit to the truth and light we would ascend into together.

The sexual slavery created by our leeching off women causes the utmost pain to all humankind. If a woman denies permission, a man must learn to embrace and love himself in his sexuality, and if they are in an exclusive or married relationship then he should create a dialogue and boundaries with his wife surrounding masturbation. To return to the false laws I was taught, and correct those Metatronic reversals into truth, we would have something like:

• Sex is the ultimate human experience, which a woman must give permission and express her true and deep desire for a man to enjoy with her before he goes any further than simply asking.
• Sex may take place in or out of marriage, as long as the above terms are met, and the parties understand and agree to how to handle the potential creation of life.
• A man’s sexual energy is meant to drive him toward a woman in vulnerability. If his request is denied, that is an opportunity to love his sexual side by himself through masturbation. If he is in a relationship with a woman, the terms of his masturbation should be discussed between them: how, when, and where he is to do it.

Call Back to Truth

Metatron calls on all men everywhere to find this darkness in yourself and shine light on it. You probably think there is nothing there and that you are innocent. I assure you we are all the same. Through our DNA we are all connected, what is felt by one is felt by all, to some degree. To proclaim your innocence is to stand by and do nothing. To join us in doing the work, to whatever extent you can, will be a building block to change the universe.

Energy Clearing Creed (repeat out loud three times)

I am disappointed and embarrassed that in the past I convinced my Wife to have sex with me when at any point She expressed resistance to this. I therefore to some degree raped my wife and I hate that part of myself. I release myself from the false ideal that I deserve to be bedded by Her and the hate I have for myself that I pursued it when she was not excited about it. If we were to have sex once in the remainder of my life I would be fulfilled in that. I am with Her because of how wonderful She is to me and how much true joy and love we experience together, not to rape her. I forgive myself for trying to fulfill my sexual needs through her. I give myself permission to love myself sexually and to vulnerably express my sexual needs to Her as we find our sexual safety together. So let it be. Ajo.

I am Mattatron, finder of the Intergalactic Coalition for a Greater Good. I am an embodiment of the ancient Metatron and I am waking up to my purpose. It is in the hope for a better world that I leave you with all the love and all the hate in these words, because you must also find the space within yourself for both, if you will also awaken and be free. Take only the words with you that serve you, and let the rest drop from you as dew before the sun. God, Sovereign, and Free.